Return of the Badasses (Pardon my French)

It’s Monday, August 09, 2010, and we’re counting down to ‘The Expendables’, starring every action hero you can imagine- well, besides Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal, and Van Damme. But seriously, everybody else is in it. From Sly Stallone to the high-kicking Jet Li, and even some cage fighter I’ve never even heard of, the newest film honoring the great American tradition of the action movie promises to provide a last-minute *BANG* to cap off what has been, for lack of a better word, a very DULL summer at the movies. Sure, it started strong with Iron Man 2, and audiences were privileged to enjoy the latest Chris Nolan mind-bender in ‘Inception,’ but those films were more like brief oases in a barren desert filled with… well, nothing anybody really wanted to see.

It is with this background in mind that audiences will more than likely flock to ‘The Expendables’ this weekend. And so, to mark this glorious occasion, it’s time to reflect once again on some of the movie badasses you might have missed in the last few years.

In my original post, we discussed a number of notable kickers of arse, whose stomping grounds range from the streets of Hong Kong to the dystopic, totalitarian future of the Twilight Zone. For your viewing pleasure, here is a link to the original selections in the category of “The (Other) Movie Badasses.”

And now, here are just a few more contenders who you won’t be seeing this Friday, but whose exploits you’ll want to catch up on at the first opportunity:

1. Hit Girl (‘Kick-Ass’)

“I never play.”

She can't see through walls, but she can kick your ass.

When Detective Damon Macready was framed as a drug dealer by cocaine kingpin Frank D’Amico, it wasn’t just his career that he lost. Unable to cope with life without him, his wife overdosed on sleeping pills shortly before going into labor, passing away just as their daughter, Mindy, entered a world wholly unprepared for her arrival.

Trained by her father following his release from prison, Mindy soon became proficient in the martial arts, as well as an accomplished weapons expert. Her birthday present at age eleven: A pair of razor-sharp butterfly knives, which she uses to great effect.

Donning a purple wig and a disguise equipped for mortal combat, Mindy became Hit Girl, a pint-sized weapon of mass destruction with one goal in mind: Wipe Frank D'Amico and his drug trade off the face of the Earth, by any means necessary. By the time she's finished, her foes will be begging for mercy... and shortly thereafter, more likely than not, they'll be dead. This movie received an R-rating for a good reason (actually, lots of good reasons), so for goodness' sake, VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

2. Eli (‘The Book of Eli’)

“We walk by faith, not by sight.”

It’s difficult to address this particular badass without giving away far too much of the plot, but suffice it to say that, when the dust clears after the imminent nuclear holocaust, Eli is civilization’s last hope. Charged with the sacred duty to protect a mysterious book, and guided by a power beyond the scope of his comprehension, Eli marches across the lifeless desert that was once the United States in order to deposit the seed of a world now lost. (Cryptic, ain’t it?)

Wielding his trusty machete, along with a few working artifacts from the days of the Second Amendment, Eli will let nothing stand in his path, even the vicious warlord Carnegie, played by the ever-terrific Gary Oldman.

Eli's capacity for survival ought not come as a surprise. Honestly, could anyone walk through the wilderness for thirty years straight and NOT end up a badass?

3. Walt Kowalski (‘Gran Torino’)

“Get off my lawn.”

War is hell- but he probably liked the heat.

Having spent his youth overseas in the service of his country, Walt Kowalski has lived what ought to have been the ideal life. He survived the war, found a stable job, married the woman he loved, and had sons who grew up to be successful.

But all is not well in Eastwoodville. Living in a run-down Detroit neighborhood, Walt has just lost his elderly bride. His sons are badgering him to check into a nursing home. His grandkids are a bunch of spoiled brats. And to top it all off, he isn’t all too happy about the Hmong immigrants who just moved in next door.

One night, Walt overhears a ruckus in his garage. Grabbing his rifle and bursting through the door with his sights trained, he meets Thao, a young man being recruited by the local gang. His initiation: Steal Walt’s Gran Torino. Logically, the first thing Walt feels for the would-be thief is animosity. Seeking to restore the family’s honor, Thao’s mother brings him back to work for Walt, who reluctantly accepts this gesture.

At first the situation is awkward for them both, and Walt is none too eager to offer forgiveness. But try as he might to reject the boy, and despite his deep-set racist attitudes, Walt may ultimately have one thing to teach Thao that his own sons never quite learned: What it means to be a man.

Most badass man on the planet? You decide.