What's right with Resident Evil?

There are few things in the world of cinema less exciting than the prospect of a movie franchise based on video games. The problem is a simple one: Why would fans, or any other audience members for that matter, bother to pay the increasingly hefty ticket price when it costs roughly the same amount to rent the game itself for a week and totally immerse yourself in the world of interactive virtual storytelling? These were some of the challenges facing writer/director Paul W.S. Anderson as he prepared to initiate what would eventually become a major B-Movie franchise based on the bestselling ‘Resident Evil’ videogames.

Not surprisingly, critics didn’t see much of value in the series, and have successively panned each of the four films to date. Despite all that bashing, however, the series has only gotten more successful with time. The most recent entry, ‘Resident Evil: Afterlife’, has made over 250 million dollars worldwide thus far, all for a budget of 60 million. As a result, the as-yet-untitled 'Resident Evil 5' is already in the works for future release, notwithstanding the "wisdom" of the so-called top critics.

So let's take a few steps back and ask ourselves: How far off-base are the critics concerning the allegedly poor quality of Mr. Anderson's work? If the directing is so amateur, the acting so terrible, and the script so pathetically two-dimensional as reviewers would have us believe, what is it that keeps audiences coming back for more? What does Anderson understand about success that critics and the more artsy-fartsy members of the film community don’t? The answer is deceptively simple, and if there are directors out there who would rather entertain their audiences than come up with yet another botched attempt at leftist self-promotion, they’ll start to pay attention- if they care about the weight of their wallets, that is.

Hollywood has been coming out with zombie flicks ever since George A. Romero brought us ‘Night of the Living Dead’ in 1968. Since then, there has been a never-ending barrage of movies starring the walking dead, from “Day of the Dead” to “I Am Legend” (which, for all of it’s ‘Cast Away’-ness, is still a zombie movie in my book). Unfortunately for '28 Weeks Later,' the more graphic the gore and the more serious the tone, the more disturbing- and less enjoyable- the zombie genre becomes.

I haven't taken a poll or anything, but I’d be willing to wager that the average moviegoer isn’t too comfortable with graphic depictions of cannibalism. I know I’m not. Sure, ‘I Am Legend’ didn’t feature any gruesome violence (although much was implied), but that’s probably why there weren’t any people around for the zombies to eat in the first place.

Since 'Resident Evil' strikes the tone of B-Movie cheese right off the bat, the zombie-violence that follows registers as "cool" or "fun" rather than "gross" or "distressing." There's nothing traumatic about watching cute girls shooting big guns at big monsters, that's for sure.

There's also the fact that only in 'Resident Evil' are viewers treated to a variety of zombie-like creatures, as opposed to a legion of simple undead cannibals. Thanks to the experiments of the villainous Umbrella Corporation, the slow-moving, brain-craving drones are the least of our heroes' worries, especially compared with an invulnerable seven-foot axe-wielding executioner, or a pack of skinless Doberman Pinschers with a taste for live prey. And it doesn't hurt that whenever the protagonists are pitted against this fearsome menagerie, the result is a gloriously stylized fight to the death, slow motion style.

But the real reason the ‘Resident Evil’ series has been such a success (as far as zombie movies go) is a result of its relationship with ‘Walker Texas Ranger.’ Yep, as is the case with all things good in life, Chuck Norris was at least indirectly responsible. Don’t believe me? Here’s what you’re going to do:

1. Print out a copy of a ‘Walker Texas Ranger’ episode script.
2. Change the character of “Walker” from Chuck Norris to an attractive female lead (Milla Jovovich).
3. Cross out the name “Walker” where it appears in the script and replace it with the name “Alice.”
4. Cross out the word “Texas” anywhere it appears and replace it with the phrase “post-apocalyptic Earth,”, “abandoned research facility”, or something similar.
5. Cross out the phrases “drug smugglers,” “human traffickers,” “gang members,” or similar phrases. Now replace them with the word “zombies.”

If you have followed these steps correctly, you should currently be holding a script for one of the four ‘Resident Evil’ movies, finally grasping just how cool this franchise is. Oh, yes, and now you’re updating your Netflix queue.